"and let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."
The minute I read those words I began to cry. So many days, I lose heart. The feeling of defeat overcomes me and I often ask, what exactly is my purpose? My purpose is to be an example for my children. I don't have all the answers, I don't do everything right, my house is more often a mess than not, and my boys well, they're boys. They're rambunctious, loud, and oh so messy... but that's okay. I'm really trying to slow down and enjoy the fact that they are only this size for such a short, short time. I know nothing else besides being a mom. I asked myself earlier this week, what exactly would you do if you had to go back to a 9-5 job. Honestly, the only thing I could come up with was either back to the doctors office I came from (because I still had a friend there that could possibly get me on), or it would be good 'ole Target or Wal-Mart. I think a lot of times I forget that what I'm doing this very day is what I dreamed about and prayed for as a teenager. I remember telling friends, I'm not going to college, I just want to be a mom.
God gave me the desires of my heart and how dare I to ever take that for granted. All to often I allow my negativity to completely blind me from positive thinking. The sermon in church last Sunday was about the habit of negativity. Negativity can push us to act out of fear, not faith. I'll admit sometimes I'm fearful that I'm failing when it comes to being a mother. I have to seek God more in those times. By having faith and trusting that He will give me the patience, wisdom, and strength during those times. Our pastor shared with us that sometimes something negative is God's only way to get our attention. I've thought on that and read over my notes from last weeks service and I really think God is showing me that I get a lot of snappy answers, attitude, and grouchy-ness from the boys because they see it and get that from me. A dear friend of mine touched on this topic earlier today. How can we ask our kids/spouse to be something that we're not willing to do ourselves? Hmm... where's the wading boots, cause it's getting deep in here! I can't expect that my boys will have kindness, gentleness, and politeness if they're leader *umm, hello... that's me* isn't showing the same.
"Do all things without complaining and disputing.." Philippians 2:14
I guess I'm sharing this so that I can be held accountable for my own actions. I need to learn this myself before I can teach it. I'm not perfect, never claimed that I was but I feel led to share that I'm not living a fairy tale over here. It's real stuff. There's some attitudes flying (sometimes toys-boys, put that down), voices being raised, sourpuss, Oscar the grouch likeness going on around here. However, I pray that God will soften my heart and allow me to become more patient, understanding, and more real with my children, family, and friends.