Friday, October 30, 2009

What a day that will be

Our dear Papa was transferred to the local hospice center almost a week ago.  Yesterday I decided that I would take Tucker to the center to see if by chance his chubby smiling face could bring a ray of sunshine to my mother-in-law and the other family members that were there with Papa.  At the time, we were just waiting minute by minute, hour by hour with Papa. The hospice nurses and doctors, and even family were amazed at how long he had held on.  My mother-in-law, Paulette, was waiting at the door to greet us.  I can only imagine the stress and exhaustion she and the other family members have been dealing with.  As we entered the door, she gleamed with joy.  It is a blessing to me to know that my children are so loved, and that they bring such joy to people.  

She could not wait to get him to the other family members, and to see Papa.  Dear Papa, had not been responsive for several days.  He loved his children, grand-children, and great grands with all of his heart.  His face would light up each time we came for a visit.  As we entered the room, Paulette walked Tucker to the side of the bed.  She said, "Papa.. Tucker's here.  He wanted to come tell you that he loves you, and he's going to miss you."  I watched as my sweet baby was ever so still.  It was as if he knew he was there to see Papa for one final time.  Anyone that knows Tucker will tell you he's an active child.  As Paulette stood there with him, he did not move.  She leaned over with him, reached out his hand and Tucker placed his little palm on Papa's face.  His breathing changed for a split second and then it went back to the quick shallow breaths he had been taking.  I stood there quietly praying.  I asked God to please take Papa peacefully, and to let us all realize that his one desire for each of us is that we will know the Lord, and see him again.  Paulette reached back over the bedside once more, and Tucker placed his small tiny hand on Papa's chest.  At that moment, Papa took the longest breath I'd seen him take.  It was almost as if he knew he was there.  I took it as a sign that he was letting me know he was glad Tucker bear was there. Did he know, I can't say that for certain.  But as I type this I am covered in chills and I can't help but think that God is giving us peace.  We walked out of the room, my heart was broken yet peaceful.  

Tucker and I had lunch with Paulette and Donnie.  After lunch we headed back home and went about our normal routine.  Several times throughout the day, I replayed the moments in that room.  I thanked God for the time that I had to spend with Papa that day.  I prayed for his peace, I prayed for Granny's strength.  Our cousin Klynt and Heather came over for dinner that night.  While we were eating, the phone started to ring.  Travis answered it and we watched as we all froze wondering if that was the call.  When Travis hung up the phone, we all breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't the call.  We discussed what a great man Papa is.  We talked about how watching him go through the past few weeks was so emotionally trying.  We all agreed that when God was ready for him, we understood and we would be glad to know he was suffering no more.  

11:48 p.m., the phone woke me from a deep sleep.  I jumped to my feet and ran through the living room.  My heart dropped as I looked at the caller i.d.  I answered and heard the shaky voice of Paulette.  She was calling to let me know that our dear Papa had passed.  I knew this moment was coming.  I knew weeks in advance, but regardless of how I had prepared myself nothing mattered.  My heart was broken.  I gave her my condolences, and asked if there was anything we could do.  I asked her to please let Granny know we were praying for her, and that we'd see her first thing in the morning.  

I walked back to the room, to tell Travis.  I then laid there for hours, tossing and turning.  I thanked God that Papa was no longer in pain.  I thanked Him for the many blessings Papa had brought to our family.  I once again prayed for Granny's strength, peace, and understanding. Morning came, and I knew that I had to tell Carter.  As he was getting ready for school I explained it to him.  I told him that Papa received the call from Jesus, and that he is no longer hurting or sick.  No, I don't think he fully understands but as I explained he dropped his head, then looked at me with tears in his eyes and said I miss him Momma.  He then asked if Papa would talk to Jasper (our dog), and I told him I was certain Papa was already with Jasper and I bet they would be going fishing that morning.  He looked at me with his big green eyes and said, "momma... Jasper doesn't fish!"  I couldn't help but laugh.  What was I thinking, dogs don't fish!!  I hugged him and told him it was going to be okay.  I explained that Granny would be sad, and if she was crying when we went for a visit later it was okay.  

A song came to mind this morning as I was getting ready.  I have been singing this song to myself since then. 

    What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see,
    And I look upon His face,
    The One who saved me by His grace;
    When He takes me by the hand
    And leads me through the Promised Land,
    What a day, glorious day that will be.
Wow!  What a day that will be!!  I received an email from my sister and it was perfectly worded.  She said, "Can you just imagine...Last night sweet Papa Joe heard his savior say "well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home"! Rejoicing another saint is walking the streets of Glory!"  What a true, true statement.  I'm certain that Papa was grinning from ear to ear as he heard those sweet words.  

I would like to thank each of you for the many prayers you've prayed.  The encouraging emails, phone calls, and just keeping me and my family in your thoughts.  I told one of our cousins, that it was amazing to me that I have friends that follow my blog which I've never met, but I know your prayers have been with me.  God is wonderful, and for your prayers and thoughts I'm forever grateful. Please continue to pray for our dear sweet Granny.  The days that lie ahead of her will be long, lonely, and hard but with prayer and her faith she will get through.  

Thank you, is the only words I know to say.  Thank you for the many blessings you were to our family.  Thank you for the sweet spirit you showed to everyone.  You are a wonderful man, and you leave quite the legacy behind. You've been talking about fishing for weeks, may the fishing you're doing now be all you ever dreamed of.  We love you dearly.... 

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

To Infinity & Beyond....

Halloween is just days away and Carter is thrilled.  They are having a dress up party at school on Friday and he can not wait!  He chose to be Buzz LightYear this year.  So a few weeks ago I started the hunt for the perfect costume.  After endless websites, checking prices here and there, I found it on the disney website.  I ordered it and told him a package would be coming soon for him.  Oh how the excitement jumped up a notch!!

It was a normal day, pick Carter up from school, lunch with Travis, back home and wait for nap time (oh, sorry... that's what my day consists of), I mean play.  I park the truck, Carter jumps out headed inside to do whatever it is he does.  I'm getting Tucker and all the other things that have to be unloaded when I hear him yell, "MOMMA!  MOMMA!"  I turned around thinking something was after him, only to see him with the biggest smile I had seen in quite a while.  He was holding a big brown box that said disney on the side.  He couldn't wait to get it opened.  

He was so antsy as I opened the box.  "Hurry Momma, hurry!"  Once I split the tape on the top, he took over.  When he pulled the costume out of the box, looked at me and said, "you the greatest momma in the whole world!"  There was no doubt my little space ranger was thrilled. He would be the coolest, happiest Buzz Light Year ever!!!!!  Of course we had to put it on him immediately.  Up and down the hall he ran yelling infinity and beyond!  Tucker was in amazement as he watched Carter fly past him.  The goggles shinning brightly and then he'd stop and ask me to press the button on his wings so that they would light up.  

There is nothing sweeter then watching the excitement in your child's eyes.  I made his day, and little did he know, he made mine!  To infinity and beyond my sweet boy, infinity and beyond!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Show and tell

Do you remember show and tell?  I loved show and tell when I was in school.  I always enjoyed seeing what everyone would bring in and tell about it.  I had just as much fun trying to figure out what I would take.  I remember taking a doll my Dad bought for me while he was in Spain. I thought it was the prettiest doll ever.  I also took the basket I used in my Uncle's wedding when I was the flower girl.  Funny the little things you remember from your childhood.

Show and tell has started for Carter.  Last week was their first show and tell.  I was so excited for him when the teacher sent the not home telling the kids to bring in something special.  I explained to Carter what show and tell is about and he immediately knew he wanted to take his cowboys and bulls.  Nothing cooler to show the kids then his bull riders!!! 

I went in the class for show and tell.  His teacher asked him to pick which country they would be praying for that day.  They choose a new country each day and pray for the missionaries in that country.  She put a big tall hat on his head, spun him around a few times and then pointed him in the direction of the map.  He put the sticker on Russia.  The children then prayed, and it was time for show and tell.  

He started off so shy.  It didn't take long though for him to start bucking and telling all the kids about staying on the bull for eight seconds.  He then told them about the clowns job, and how when he grows up, he wants to be a bull rider!  Oh, how my heart hopes he changes his mind on that!! :)

Monday, October 26, 2009

Stinky old hog

Each day as the four o'clock hour approaches we wait for the sound of Travis' truck coming down the driveway.  This day was no different, but the rumble of that big old Ford came sooner then expected.  I gave my usual call to Carter to let him know his Daddy was home.  He came running, and we all went out to meet him.  

He wasn't parking in his normal spot, he was backing up to the porch.  This could only mean one thing.  There was some sort of critter in the back of his truck.  Sure enough, he pulls down the tailgate and there in the cage stood two little hogs.  One was just chilling in the back, laying down. The other, well he was ready to eat us alive!  He charged the cage, and I told Carter he better watch out.  Camera in hand, of course, I walked closer to snap a picture.  I got a few shots, and couldn't believe how horrible these fellows smelled.  It was awful!!  It was a mixture of sour mud, filth, and just disgusting.  Definitely not my cup of tea by any means.  Before I walked away Mr. Attitude decided to charge the cage once more.  When he did, he got me!! Mud was all over me.  Ugh, I thought I would throw up.  

My sweet, loving husband just laughed.  Carter laughed.  The love these guys show is amazing.  I was finished taking pictures.  I wanted nothing else to do with these disgusting pigs.  I went inside to wipe off my face.  Travis asked me to drive the four wheeler to Papa's so I did.  All the way there all I could smell was, me!  That lovely hog smell was not going anywhere until I bathed.  I'm no girly girl, but I can promise you I'm no hog hunter either.  They can keep that filth to themselves!!!! At least the boys got a good laugh out of seeing me get muddy.  

Anyone remember Lester?  Well, we had a visit with him again.  He sure was good!!!! :)

It's in his blood

I sat on the porch swinging with Tucker, then all of a sudden we hear, "BOOM!"  I look up to see Carter running under the gate leading into the pasture.  He was bird hunting with his Daddy.  He kneeled down to pick the bird up, only to find it was still alive.  The bird flew off and my poor baby looked as if he'd seen a ghost!!

I grabbed my camera as I always do and Tucker and I joined in their hunt.  Granted it wasn't a big hunt, just Travis and Carter passing the evening.  Carter had his little pretend rifle and he was mimicking everything Travis would do or say.  Travis couldn't help but smile.  He always wanted a son that enjoyed the same things he does, and he's definitely got it now!!!  I'm sure he'll have Tucker out there as soon as he can walk.  Carter told me that I should go back inside that what they were doing was for guys.  

So, Tucker and I made our way back to the house.  I could hear him giggling, and the excitement in his voice each time the birds would fly over.  Their voices were getting closer, so I walked outside to meet them.  They jumped on the four wheeler, and came by to let me know they were not finished hunting just yet.  In the words of Carter, "we're going to get a rabbit, momma. You go back inside!"  What's a girl to do but go back inside.  It wasn't but just a few minutes and I heard that shot. The four wheeler came flying back into the yard with a little boy grinning from ear to ear.  I just looked at them, and Carter (in his most country voice ever) said, "we got him momma, now we're gonna cook him!"  

I looked at Travis and told him I really need a daughter.  I need someone to gab with, someone to get my hair and nails done with.  I need a daughter to shop with, go out to eat with, someone that will watch out for me and take care of me when I'm eighty years old.  His response... "don't worry babe!  Carter and Tucker will hire you some good help when you're old."  Umm, okay. Yeah, sure they will.  They'll probably throw me in the nearest home and tell the nurses to keep me busy, cause they'll be in the woods hunting.  I know my destiny, no need to fear it.  It is what it is.  I've been praying diligently for a daughter.  It's my only hope of a enjoyable senior life, LOL!

Sure enough, they cleaned their birds and their rabbit and then invaded the kitchen to cook. I'm not complaining.  They fix it, they cook it, they clean it up.  I just sat back and watched.  I would have never dreamed that my four year old would eat rabbit, but he did.  He at ALL of it!  There was a small piece left and Travis put it in the fridge.  Carter came in from school the next day and immediately ate it!!  Go figure.  I can't get him to eat normal food, but let him go out hunting and he'll eat it every time!  While he sat at the table eating, as if he had never eat before, he looked over at me so serious and asked, "you want some of my rabbit leg momma?" My stomach turned, and I reassured him that I was perfectly fine eating my bagel.  He just shook his head and said, "it sure is good!"  He gets this from his father, not me.  It has to be in his blood, it just has too!

I just had to get this shot.  Trav's been getting a lot of stink about his red boots.  I think they're pretty cool! :)

I'm telling you... I'm doomed.  If I don't get some pink in my life, I might as well throw in the towel and join them.  I really don't want to do that.  I'm more a shopping kind of gal!  I suppose I shall just continue to hope and pray.

Memory Monday

*****JUST A WARNING... these pictures may be a bit graphic for some.  If you are opposed to hunting, or do not want to see a dead animal... DO NOT READ THIS POST!*****

This time of year always brings a certain excitement to the men of the family, and one lady... Granny!  You read that correctly, she is just as excited as the fellas about the opening day of hunting season. She's a die hard hunter.  The coldest morning is not going to keep her out of that tree stand. There have been a few times that she out hunts them all, which I think is kind of funny. Dressed in her camo, and gun in hand she's bound and determined.  
Hunting has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  From hunting with dogs, to rifle hunting, bow hunting, frog gigging.  You name it, I've probably seen it or been a part of it at some point in my life.  As a little girl I remember watching my Papa and Uncle get ready. Making sure their guns were sighted in, all the dogs were ready to get in the box and do their job. Before the sun would ever peek over the tree tops the guys would be long gone, hoping for the biggest buck of the season.
I remember listening to the hounds bark and yelp as they saw the truck coming to load them up.  It was like they knew, I guess they did since that was their "job".  Adrenaline was pumping everywhere!
Saturdays for the girls usually meant a shopping day, or cleaning house (woo hoo... lots of fun that was)!  The guys would hunt from early that morning until about 10ish, and then they would head back to the woods around 4ish. Occasionally I was lucky enough to ride with my Papa, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.  Hearing the guys talk on the C.B. about which way the deer was headed and which dogs were chasing him, was exciting.  
As I got older the hunting scene just never really hit it big with me.  I don't mind it.  I know it's something my husband enjoys, it's something Carter is already excited about.  It's just not my thing.  I'm sure Travis would be ecstatic if I would put on my camo, throw a rifle over my shoulder, and be in the truck with him on his adventures... luckily, he knows it's not my cup of tea.  It's neat to watch this love of hunting run from Papa, to Travis, now to Carter.  Oh the stories I'm sure Carter will come up with in his lifetime!  He's going to be the one that always stretches the story a bit.  If it was really a spike, he'll tell you it was a ten point!  
Hunting is a family thing for us.  For those of you wondering, yes we do eat the meat.  We don't just kill to kill.  So, please no nasty comments.  :)  Thanks!! Here's wishing the hunters of our family much luck this season!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

That's how we roll...

There sits a big long tube.  So lonely and just looking for someone to play with.  Who else but my dear Carter to find a way to play with this plastic culvert.  There's never a dull moment here, never.  In he crawls, and giggles!  More Daddy, more!!!  Travis was pushing him across the yard as he rolled around inside.  

Tucker just sat and watched as he always does.  He's going to have a lot of ideas of things to get into when he gets old enough.  For now, he does pretty good entertaining himself in the stroller, or wagon.  He's been a much happier little guy since all those teeth have finally broken the skin. 

Tonight was so relaxing to just hang out with our little family.  Our routine, boring to some people, but we enjoy it.  Nothing like the chuckles of children's laughter, the crisp, fall air, and two very dirty little boys.  Carter can't seem to go out the door without getting dirty, and Tucker well he's about the same here lately.  Those little soft, pudgy feet black as smut.  I give up keeping them clean.  Their having fun, so I just look at it as my way of keeping the soap companies in business.  Without the mother's of little boys, soap companies would be filing bankruptcy!

Tucker ever so content in his wagon, being licked by the dogs, eating hay, he didn't care.  He was happy.  I just let him play by himself as Carter ran circles around him.  I had to help Travis with the cows, when I turned and looked up, I saw the cutest thing I'd seen in quite sometime. Carter had the wagon, pulling Tucker as fast as he could saying, "you better hang on Tucker!" Tucker leaned back against the seat of the wagon, holding on to the side, and smiling that big toothy smile of his.  The bond between them, already, amazes me.  It's heart warming!

Travis snagged my camera, when I looked to see what he was taking a picture of I was not surprised.  My husband has quite the different eye for pictures, then I.  Of all the beautiful things to take pictures of around our house.... he takes a picture of a string.  Not any string, but a string in the corral where the cows are, and the string is covered in about forty flies!!!  I guess it's safe to say everyone has their own way of thinking!! LOL!!!  It looked like a fly family reunion or something.  Gross.

The evening came to an end with yet another beautiful sunset on Cow Bird Lane.  If someone to ask what I'd miss most about our home I'd have to say it's the sunsets.  Each evening, they are spectacular.  Different each and every time.  From pink, to burnt orange, to a deep awesome is our God??

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Mr. Chompers

Oh, our sweet little red headed bear.  He has been absolutely miserable this week.  At first I figured okay, he's teething.  Our routine was all out of whack.  We were spending a lot of time at Granny and Papa's, and I thought maybe being out of our routine was a big part of his fussiness. Well, the irritability got worse, the crying got worse, the sleeping became worse, it was a downward spiral, and fast!!!  

Wednesday night was horrible.  He cried about everything.  Nothing anyone did made him happy. Our friend Larry was visiting Papa and he offered to take all the kids outside and to let us spend some time with the family by Papa's bedside.  I was very thankful to have a break from the crying, and able to spend some time with our dear Papa.  After about an hour, we decided that we would head on home, we were all exhausted and bedtime seemed like the perfect solution for all of us. 

Mad at me, because he couldn't figure out how to get out from under the table.

The next morning I wake up to my sweet bear smiling in his crib.  Complete change from the past three days.  As I pick him up and he smiles that big grin, I see the reason for all his crying. Not one tooth, but three and the fourth is almost through the skin.  Whew, poor guy, no wonder he was so miserable.  I guess getting it all over with at one time is better then one tooth at a time!

He now has a total of eight teeth all together.  He is also babbling a lot more and cruising the furniture and anything he can hold on too!!  It seems so funny to look at him with all those little white teeth shinning.  Can't believe he's getting so big.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Yummy, yum, yum!!!

We all like a good dessert, right?  Well trust me when I tell you that the desserts here in the south are just splendid!!  Nothing beats a good, sugar filled pound cake or lemon pie.  Our family has been enjoying many, many sweets over the past few weeks due to the loving supportive friends and family that have provided food during our difficult time.  

One of the favorite desserts was a pumpkin roll.  Oh my stars, it was superb!  Makes my mouth water just thinking about it.  So, I came home with all intentions of making a pumpkin roll.  My moms friend sent me the recipe but said to 'try' it before making it to take somewhere.  She said it could be difficult... for me?!  No way, I'm Ms. Rachel Ray!! LOL..LOL!

I settled with a pumpkin spice cake, and boy oh boy was it yummy!!  

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Just my boring rambles...

Wow, what a week. Roller coaster of emotions. On top of everything, Tucker is having his own rough week. Unlike your normal teething baby, my sweet child has decided that he'll just cut to the chase and get all his teeth at one time. He has his two bottom teeth, cut his first top one a few days ago, now the second top one is breaking through, and the third bottom tooth is pushing it's way to the surface. Whew! Wears me out just thinking about it.

Anyone that has dealt with a teething baby knows that cutting one tooth is one thing, but come on three?! What on earth did I do to deserve this? He is clingy, he's whiny, he's snotty (sorry, but it's true). Luckily, unlike your normal teether, he does not run fever and this time around his bottom is getting a break from "the" breakout! My poor little bear is miserable. He's tired, I'm tired, we're both cranky and I just want my smiling happy baby back. If anyone sees him crawling around aimlessly, please return him. There is a reward, LOL!!

Our community has been struck with horrible news. A seven year old girl was kidnapped, and killed. I will not go into details but it's just horrible. My heart breaks more each and every time I see her mother on t.v. How do you wake up and face another day knowing that someone snatched your child as they were walking down the street and then kill them? I can not imagine the pain that she and the rest of her family are going through. She keeps saying, I can't remember if I told her I love her. Goes back to what I said earlier this week, make sure you tell the ones you hold so dear know that you love them each and every day. The mother says she misses her smile, holding her, and giving her kisses. Please, keep this family in your prayers. Hold your babies tight tonight and let them know you love them.

Papa is about the same. We are just taking it moment by moment, breath by breath. We did not go over to visit today because of Tucker being so cranky, Carter was extra hyper, and I think we just needed some family time at home. I've thought about him so many times today. Every time the phone rang I was hesitant to see the number calling. I talked to my mother in law who said he told them he was ready to go. It's still so hard, even though we know it will be okay. Papa's sister Jewell was with us all last night as we gathered around his bed. She told him that he was loved very much, and that his children would take care of Granny. She then paused, looked around the room at each of us and said, "Children, nothing would please your Daddy more then to know that each and everyone of you will meet him in Heaven." I sobbed when she said that. I am so grateful that I know the Lord and I know when my time comes that I will be in His arms. For weeks I've wanted to step out and ask that question to the family that has gathered, but I've hesitated. Why? Fear of rejection I suppose. Fear of not knowing how to answer any questions they may have, fear of not being the witness I should be at all times.

Last night as I stood at the foot of his bed, God spoke to my heart and at that moment I realized that just because I handle things one way does not mean that someone else will handle it the same way. I can only hold myself accountable for my actions, I can't be accountable for anyone else. I may be the only light for someone in that home to see. I may be the only comforting word they hear, and if I'm not being a good witness for Christ, then my work is in vain. I've learned so much in this week. I've learned that death really isn't as 'scary' as I had always pictured it to be. If you know the Lord, it can be a very peaceful time. Over the past year I've wondered how I would handle this time that we are facing now. Would I run from it? Would I be a supporter? Would I have the words to say to provide comfort for the family that is grieving? The time is here. I've not once wanted to run. I've wanted to be with our family each and every moment possible. I've held Papa's hand and told him how very much I love him and appreciate the values he's left us. There are so many things that God has shown me this week, valuable lessons and things I will never forget.

On a good note, we have a buyer for our old house. My brother and sister in law (well not officially but she might as well be). I am so excited. It's a blessing to us to find a buyer, and I'm super excited about having them just minutes away from us. Now, if we could just get my sister and Kyle moved back to town, and then move my mom here we'd all be right here together.

Well, I've rambled enough here. I should find my comfy p.j's and get in the bed. If tomorrow is anything like today, big bear is going to have it in for me!! Good night all, and God bless!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Letting go

It is so hard to let go of things you love.  As a mother it's hard to let go of the baby days that seem to last only for a moment.  It's hard to let go and let your baby who has turned into a big boy walk into his classroom for the first time.  It's hard to let go of friendships, a pet, a job whatever the case may be.  Letting go is just hard sometimes.  

Our dear Papa is nearing his final days and it's so hard to know that we have to let go and let him go.  Still so many conversations I want to have, so many songs I want to hear him play on his guitar, so many stories I have yet to hear. Yesterday, I spent the day in his home helping however I could.  I was hoping that by being there I could be of some sort of help, support, anything.  I have never lost anyone close to me, so this is also a learning experience for me.  

The past several weeks I've watched as my mother in law and her siblings have stood by day in and day out.  I knew the process of being there was a lot, and had it's trying and tiring moments but they've not complained.  They've pulled together and they've been there for Papa each and every moment.  It's love.  What better to have in a family then love.  Yesterday as I watched the emotional roller coaster, just being there for the several hours that I was at that moment shown how truly trying this time really is.  It is so hard to watch someone that you know and love so deeply battle a disease that can not be won on this earth.  So many times yesterday I sat and prayed.  I prayed for God's peace throughout the home.  I prayed for God to comfort Papa, for Him to provide him with rest.  I walked into his room only to see dear Granny clenching his hand, her head on the bedrail, and tears streaming down her face.  I stood there and prayed that God would wrap His loving arms around her and let her know that she is not alone, for He is with her.

I've talked about their love for one another here before.  It's a blessing to my soul each time that I see them.  Granny's spirit is broken, her heart feels empty, but she knows that Papa is on his way to a better place, the arms of our dear saviour.  Sitting with her yesterday she told me that earlier that morning Papa had told her that every time he would crank up the car, she was right there ready to go with him regardless of where it was...she was there.  She told me that she held his hand and said, "I can't go with you this time.  But I'm coming soon, so wait for me." She smiled ever so sweetly and just looked back at him.  She also told me how blessed I am to be able to stay at home with my babies, and that how now days we are able to provide so much more for our children then they were able to.  She said that she and Papa had talked about the things they wish they could go back and change.  I stopped her and told her that the things they gave their children were suffice.  Their lives were full, a roof over their heads, food on their table, and a home filled with unconditional love.  She just held my hand and cried.  So many times today I watched as she just stared at him. Knowing that she would give anything for him to sit up, and talk to her.  She would love to have him eating breakfast and drinking coffee with her.  My heart breaks knowing that she is going to long for the sound of his voice.  The smell of his clothes, the touch of his hand.  

I also prayed yesterday that God would give me the words to say in moments like this.  I feel lost a bit, like I don't know whether I should speak or not.  Will what I have to say help, or hinder?  God made it clear to me yesterday that you don't always have to say something, or do something big that everyone notices, but it's the little things that go unnoticed that sometimes help the most.  

Several family members came over for dinner last night.  As I sat at the table eating, I couldn't help but think about how much Papa would enjoy to sit at that table.  Listen to his children, grand-children, and great grand-children talking.  I wondered if by chance he could hear us in the other room.  Each of us is dealing with this differently.  Some of us cry in the open, others of us prefer to be alone.  Some of us hold his hand when we talk to him, others of us do not. Regardless of how we are handling it, I know that Papa knows and can feel the love that is around him and filling his home.  After dinner, we all gathered around his bed.  I felt helpless, a bit scared, yet peaceful at the same time.  I cried as I watched him breathe, yet I smiled knowing that he will soon be breathing with no problems.  He'll be singing a song of praise.  He woke for just a moment and Carter and Tucker were able to love on him for a bit.  Tucker gave him a big smile, and Carter wrapped his little tiny arms around Papa's stomach.  My sweet baby said, "I love you Papa" and I couldn't help but sob.  He may be only four but he knows that something is not right, and that Papa is not feeling well.  We've talked but I don't think his mind really comprehends what is going on.  

Papa told us he was going fishing.  We all chuckled, and Uncle Chris said he thought we'd need to wait a bit because the weather just wasn't right for fishing right now.  Aunt Vicki asked Papa if he wanted to go down to Boggy Creek and do some fishing, something she talked to me a week ago about that she remembers doing so many times with Papa.  Klynt and Travis told Papa they would hook the trolling motor up to his bed and we'd take him fishing whenever he wanted.  Papa loved to fish.  He told Travis, Klynt, and Daniel a few weeks back that he wanted them to have his fishing boat.  What a memory for them all to share.  I told Travis I can't wait for him to take Carter fishing in the Spring. After all the fish talk, I told everyone we would have to plan a day once a year to fish in Papa's honor and have a big fish fry.  Papa loved to fry fish, and his hush-puppies, were delicious!!!

We kissed Papa good night and told him we loved him. When we got home, I talked to Carter about if he understood going to heaven.  He told me, "we go to see Jesus".  I explained to him that Papa is very sick, and weak and that soon Jesus will call him and he will go to Heaven to live.  He asked if Granny was going to go with him.  I told him no, she would stay here with us. He said, "Momma, I don't want Papa to go to Heaven, I want him to stay here with Granny."  I told him that Jesus would make Papa feel better, he asked if Papa would find Jasper (our dog) and I told him yes.  He also asked if we would see him in Heaven.  I told him that if we love Jesus, and know him in our hearts that yes one day when God is ready for us we will also be in Heaven and see Papa again.  He just looked at me with that typical Carter look, and said okay but Granny is staying here?  I love the innocence of children.  I told him to pray for Papa when he went to sleep and he said, "I will momma."

Letting go isn't easy, but letting go knowing that he will be walking the streets of Heaven is such a reassurance.  Take time today to tell each person that you hold dear in your life, I love you. 

Monday, October 19, 2009

YAY!!! YAY!!! YAY!!!

Tucker has learned a new favorite trick.  Clapping!!  He does it all the time, even when he's upset. It is so cute to watch him.  When he's not upset his little face just lights up!  He also cut his third tooth this weekend, and has decided that holding on to the table is not necessary for him to stand up.  He holds on long enough to pull himself up, then lets go and stands there.  Granted it's not for a very long time, maybe a second or two but my point is, HE'S ONLY 7.5 months old!!!!

Don't mind the grits... he was eating breakfast! ;)