Little talks, wild imaginations & an emotional mother.

It's been a few days but I've been under the weather but I'm on the road to recovery now!! :)

Bedtime has become a bit of a chore at our home. Not sure what is going on with little man, whether it be anxiousness of the changes that are in our near future. Could it be nightmares? Maybe he just gets humor out of getting his emotionally & physically drained 32.5 week pregnant mother up out of bed three to four times a night. As I joked with a friend earlier, I'm really starting to consider sending him for a sleep study, LOL!! :)

As my pregnancy with little Tucker draws closer and closer to an end, my emotions grow stronger and a tad bit out of control. Luckily I have a good friend that reminds me that what I'm feeling is normal, that I'll get through this and being the mother of two children will be just double the blessings & joys. ***Thanks Renee, I love you!*** Those supportive words are always helpful but I must admit at 2:30 in the morning, when our wakings usually start, it's hard for me to remember that my little boy will only be little for so long and that he "needs" me. As I lead him back to his bed each night, my heart aches it breaks. To hear him cry, and plead for me to stay with him and sleep with him eats me to shreds. I am assuming it is just a phase but this phase is hard for me as well as him. As I stand at his bedside and assure him that he will be okay, I'm just in the next room my mind begins to race. Granted he is three, he's a smart three year old. Does he feel as if mommy is bringing in a new baby and he'll be pushed aside? How will I have enough time for two? I'm sure my heart is capable of loving two children, maybe even three one day but what about "Me & Carter?" What about our special times, our bond, will that change?? I've been overcome by these thoughts that have quite honestly become fears of mine. I am so scared that things will never be the same between the two of us. He's my baby, my buddy. I just want him to know that regardless of what comes into our lives he will always have a special, special place in my heart. My prayer is that God will calm my nerve and my fears. Now that I've poured my heart out to you all, I'll get on to the point of this entry.

The other night as I walked Carter to his bed he was holding onto my hand. His blankie, bear, and night night in the other. He climbed into bed and I laid beside him. We started talking and he said, "momma, please sleep with me" I told him he was a big boy and that he could sleep by himself. I quickly changed the subject to try and get his mind on something else. We talked about how the bed he was sleeping in was Daddy's bed when Daddy was a little boy. We then talked about going on a treasure hunt the next day. We would search for rocks, sticks, and raccoons! :) After an exciting treasure hunt we decided we would have a picnic. Carter was going to have a peanut butter sandwich, no jelly. Mom was going to have a jelly sandwich, no peanut butter. Dad, well Dad was going to get a peanut butter & pickle sandwich!!!! Lucky, lucky him!!!! I asked him to teach me to throw sticks through the fence like he was doing earlier that day. He told me, "No way mom! You aren't strong enough, only boys throw sticks." What was I thinking?!

Our talk went on for about ten minutes and then I said, "Good night Pickle!" He turned quickly to me and said, "Momma... I'm not a pickle, I'm shepherds pie!" I laughed, knowing this is what he had eaten for lunch that day at school. Silly boy. So I told him good night shepherds pie. He said, "Good Night, cupcake.... you a chopped liver cupcake momma!" At least I'm a cupcake of some sort, right? I leaned over kissed him good night and told him how very much I loved him. In his sweet little voice, he whispered back, "I wuv you too momma!" I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. I just smiled and rubbed his head.

Little talks, and his imagination full of surprises for me are God's way of telling me that everything is going to be okay. It's okay for me to be nervous, and unsure. I have a precious, precious little child that will forever bring my heart and soul great joy. Another child that I've yet to hold in my arms and look into his little eyes and wonder, 'why me, what did I do to deserve this?' Our lives are going to change. New things will come, old things will go. Regardless my family will still be my family at the end of the day. The love I have for each of them will be no different, just stronger then it was the day before. My children & husband will amaze me with each day that passes with their forgiving, loving, spirits and their smiles from across the room and the laughter that fills our halls. I'm so grateful, yet so undeserving of this life. I'm holding on to these days of littleness, innocence, and all the little hugs and smiles. Truly, truly days I cherish and want to remember.