Oh Tucker-bear

Dear little Tucker-bear, what am I doing wrong??? I ask this question numerous times a day. I usually try my best not to blog about things that are negative, sad, or that are getting me down. I really like to try and focus on the positive things in life, but sometimes that's just not going to work. I've been dealing with this for quite sometime, asking myself do I blog about it, do I not blog about it? After listening to a conversation I was having with a friend on Thursday, I realized how much I use my blog as a way of getting through things. A way to talk out my frustrations, my thoughts, plans, etc.

I hate to say I'm frustrated, but I am. I'm frustrated that I don't understand what is going on. What am I talking about? I am just a mom that can't seem to find the happy place for her child. I didn't experience this with Carter, he was always happy regardless of what was going on. Tucker, not so much. I love him dearly, I love to see that big cheeky smile of his, but it rarely happens. I know not every child is the same. Boy, oh boy, do I know that! The two of them are polar opposites.

Tucker started out from day one with troubles. Poor guy was born with a broken collar bone. Then we came home and he did wonderfully for about the first six weeks, and then it was like he fell apart on me. Nursing him became almost a fight. He was a very aggressive eater, so we switched to formula. Gas, oh the gas this poor child had. He cried constantly for endless hours a day, doctors diagnosed him with colic. We tried bouncy seats, we tried gripe water, we tried peppermint, we tried changing his formula, we did everything that anyone told us. We tried everything we read on google. The pediatrician prescribed a prescription for Zantac, it didn't help. He just cried all the time. It has let up, but he still cries for the majority of the day.

As any mom would probably tell you, after so much crying you start to find yourself coming unraveled. I'm unraveling. I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I'm never going to win. I just want him to smile, coo, play, clap, anything but cry... all the time. I know I sound ungrateful, but I'm not. I'm grateful that I have a child that is healthy. A child that doesn't have any medical problems. I am grateful that I can hear him cry, I know all to well that if God wanted too He could take my children away from me. I'm just a mom that is looking for some sort of answer. A sign, anything to tell me what I am doing wrong, or what I can do to make it better.

It's not just a whiny cry, it's a weird cry. Unhappy is the best way I know to explain it. I don't feel like he's really in pain. I've contemplated calling the pediatrician, but when I think about it I have no clue what I would tell them. Can you just imagine the nurses response when she called back and asked what the problem is? 'Oh, well, he cries'... umm, you think lady? All babies cry. So with the thought of having the nurse pretty much mark me as an idiot, I've yet to call. In the back of my mind I wonder, could there possibly be something I can't see going on? He's teething but this is a much deeper issue then teething I do believe. Colic? Could these still be signs of colic? Someone, please tell me I'm not the only mom that has ever gone through this.

I've cried, I've gotten angry, I've walked away (for that 5 minutes, to keep my sanity), only to return to him crying. I've prayed...and I truly believe that God is trying to teach me something but I obviously am not getting it. I often sit after putting him to bed at night and think about how rough the day has been. It makes me extremely sad, because I feel like our days are spent in frustration on my part and his. I don't know how to fix what is wrong, and unfortunately he can't tell me. I get angry at myself because these little baby days are speeding past me and I spend the majority of the day saying, "please stop crying... I don't know what else to do." I feel helpless. I feel like I'm not giving him something that he really needs. I get frustrated at myself for getting frustrated. Does that make sense?

I don't know what else to do. I've read article after article, nothing I read seems to fit our situation. Do I just have a extremely fussy baby, or should I push forward and look for a more logical answer? We need a change. We need to have a smiley bear, not a fussy bear. When he's not fussing or crying, he will give the sweetest most heart warming smile. He has the giggle that comes from the gut. I've cried, and looked to Travis for support and he listens. He doesn't have the answer either, but he did offer me some very supportive words the other night. He told me I was doing a great job with him, and that these days would pass and he'd grow out of it. I told him, I don't want to regret these days passing and miss them, I wanted Tucker to smile, and be happy. I told him I feel like he's allergic to me or something, and he said, "Babe... no one can make that boy smile like you. No one can make him laugh like you. He wants no one but you!" I of course, cried like a baby. I am a person of control, and I do not have control of this situation. It made me feel so much better to know that the chuckles I get out of him do mean something. He's happy deep inside that little chubby body of his. I just don't understand why he is the way he is.

I don't know why I have finally decided to blog about this. Possibly because I have met so many other Christian moms and I feel that maybe you ladies can help pray us through this situation. I know God is in control, and maybe by blogging about it I can really let it go and LET GOD! I trust Him, and know His will is best. So if you will, keep me and Tucker-bear in your prayers. Pray that I'm over thinking it all, and there's nothing wrong medically. Pray that our days will be filled with laughter, and smiles.

My dear little bear...I love you more then words can say. You may look just like your Daddy but you've got the spunk and fire of your momma. Maybe that is why we are butting heads. Who knows. Nana has always said that the "middle child" is the spunkiest, and well.. granted you are only the baby, your brother is praying for a sister. So, maybe you are just giving me that middle child spunk sooner then later! Coming from a middle child... I know the games! ;) I love you sweet baby.

xoxo, Momma